Saturday, 20 January 2007

Trainspotting: A Railway Story

Trainspotting: A Railway Story by The Reverend Irvine Welsh

Thomas The Tanked-Up Engine
Wis playin’ wi’ his Mainline Friends
He wis puffin’ like a shite auld choo-choo
He couldnae chuff-chuff roond the bends

So Big Jimmy the fuckin’ Red Engine
Rolled up ‘n gie Tam a wee smoke
“Can I interest ye in some refreshments?” he said“
‘Cos things go better wi’ coke”

“Ye can keep yer toasted sangwidges ‘n snacks
An yer individual fruit pies
Ma buffet car’s sorted fer e’s ‘n whizz
Help yersel tae the goods, privatise!”

“Toot! Toot! This fare’s just the ticket!”
Whistled Tam as he shot up the track
“Let’s take a trip through the tunnel o’ love
A have it away day oan smack!”

Whoo-whoo! What a rush! Tam wiz speedin’!
“Hullo! Railway Children! Let’s rave!”
Jenny Agutter’s whipped oaf her knickers
Tae gie Tam a special wee wave

“Look at me! Ah’m The Flyin’ Fuckin’ Scotsman!” said Tam
“Ah go jet set tae Rio - first class!
Je suis un Eurostar train trash
Adios Airdrie ya bass!”

The Fat Cuntroller wiz ootay his box
The radge wiz goin’ loco
“Yer the 2.33 tae Cowdenbeath
No Acafuckinpulco!”

“This is Virgin on the ridiculous!” said the boss
Then the buffer gie Tam the big shunt
“Yer scrap son - git oan the heave-ho express” Tam laughed
“Fuck oaf ya fat cunt-roller”

“We interrupt this poem tae make a customer service announcement
Fer youse wankers oan platform eight
We’re sorry fer the delay but the trains are oan drugs
That’s why they’re aw fuckin’ late”

Elvis McGonagall

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